One would think I wasn’t serious with this whole blogging thing because I am not doing posts as often as need be. Believe me, I am. I just had issues to settle first, Roarke who prefers me over his yaya, office deadlines and the occasional drama.
But i have time now as I find myself wide awake while Roarke sleeps soundly beside me. I better do this quick though before Roarke wakes up and sleepily climbs on top of me so he can lay his head where my heart is and goes back to sleep again. He usually does this around this time. I am not complaining though. Us sleeping like that wrapped in each others arms is one of the most beautiful things in the world and what makes motherhood worthwhile.
Anyway, on to the post. (Am I not posting already? Hehehe)
I had a profound moment today. I stumbled upon a blog post that put into words the emotions I have been carrying inside my heart ever since I gave birth and held Roarke in my arms.
She wrote, “… I felt the Lord’s call to prioritize building my family.”
It hit me. Because I knew it was more than just my desires and longing to personally take care of my son. To want to be physically and emotionally there for him, witnessing his milestones, giving him all the attention and love he needs. It was a calling.
There is divine intervention at play.
I have always felt that I was not meant for religious life, despite certain offers, because I knew deep in my heart I was meant to be a mother. That the reason for my existence and what I would count as my greatest achievement is if I raise my son, or children, the way God wants them or intended them to be. I am not perfect. Far from it. I am a first time mom, therefore, inexperienced. There are times I wonder if what I am doing is right. I worry, and worry and worry. But i just pray that at the end of the day I do right by him – by Roarke and by God.
This is a long road yet to travel and many changes and choices to make so i can heed that calling. But God has been there every step of the way. In every moment of doubt, fear, and soul-searching for answers and clarity. He has been there opening windows and doors and giving answers that settles easily in the heart. What more can you do but heed that call.
Now i pray for courage, for belief in myself for what I am and can be. I’ve been praying for the understanding of the people that matters most to me but maybe I also need more understanding of myself so that when I fall down, I can pick myself up again.
I know what I’m meant to do. I just need to do it. Everything is actually falling into place. That’s God’s work.
But the problem yet is me. Scaredy-cat me. But I’m getting there. By God’s grace, I’ll get there.
Let me end this post by sharing this excerpt I read.
Life is beautiful!